“Divorce becomes a holy moment when you choose to use it as a catalyst for having an extraordinary life.” Debbie Ford
If you’re facing divorce, you’ve probably heard it already. The well-meaning friends who say you are “better off”, “you’re going to be just fine” or don’t worry, you’ll “find someone new.” And right now, you probably don’t want to hear that. You want to scream at the top of your lungs, stop the feelings of pain and shame and maybe even rip out your soon-to-be exes’ heart. You wonder how on earth is this my life?
Yeah, I know. I remember that feeling.
Even though it's been over ten years since I sat in your shoes, when people told me that it was all going to be ok, all I could think was you have no idea how low I feel right now. You have no idea how scared I am and what a big loser I feel like right now. I couldn’t see beyond my pain and I didn’t really know where to begin to pick up my pieces.
Part of what got me into coaching people through divorce was that I took the long road out and want it to be different for you. Divorce can be a way to kick-start a happier life – a better you. You just have to be willing to see it. I couldn’t get out of my own way. I lived in fear, in worry and self-sabotage for several years after my divorce.
Instead of working on myself and using my divorce as a launching pad to the next me, I bought into my story that I was now broken. I felt like a total pariah and a failure. And because of that, everything around me seemed to mirror that back. I was angry, insecure and lonely – wondering if I would end up alone the rest of my life.
All that took a toll. I wasn’t the mom I wanted to be, I was unhappy and definitely not the confident person I portrayed on the outside.
What turned my life around was a willingness to be honest with myself.
If you want to kickstart your future, it begins with feeling what you don’t want to feel, so that you can heal. You’ve got to be honest that the pain and the fear isn’t working. Sure it might feel good to blame your ex, but it isn’t going to give you the life you want. And neither is feeling guilty.
When you begin to accept that your life isn’t ok or even might be crumbling around you, that’s when things can turn around. It was that willingness that finally led me to my freedom.
Rather than seeing your divorce as a loss, perhaps greet it like you would an unexpected friend. Begin to look for your divorce gifts; see how the little seeds of wisdom can open up the door to real change.
It doesn’t happen overnight. But it does happen. Your life will be better.
As Debbie Ford taught me, you can choose to use your divorce as a way to live a life beyond your dreams. It begins with that simple choice.
To further support you along your path, here are a few things I have seen help countless clients kick-start their own journeys back to happiness:
(1) STOP THE FEAR. The best way to do this is get educated. Understand the divorce process, your options and possible outcomes. Dive in and get to know your finances, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Before hiring your lawyer make sure their "divorce" philosophy aligns with your personal goals - get to know them as well as you did your wedding planner.
(2) GET ORGANIZED AND GET SUPPORT. Friends may tell you it’s time to pull yourself together. And they’re right. The swirl of emotion and constant ups and downs of divorce can make that nearly impossible. Decide to work with someone (a friend, coach or therapist) who will help you bypass the fear during this difficult time and help you can get organized. The more organized you can be about your legal matters, your daily life and your new future, the more quickly your fear can subside and you can feel more hopeful about your future.
(3) HEAL YOUR HEART. Once you know it’s going to be ok – or at least that you’ll have a roof over your head, you can look for your wedding gifts. Each relationship carries some wisdom, gift and opportunity for you to be even better than you were before. To live the life of your dreams. It’s important that you learn to love yourself fully before you move on and build your future. This is the time to dive in with a therapist or coach and really use what happened to understand yourself better.
To further support you in your process, I am including a copy of my Top Five Goal Setting Tips For Divorce.
And from now until February 15th, I am offering a 20% discount on all of my divorce education and coaching services when you mention the discount. For more information on working with me, click here.